Archive for January, 2008

Are you there God? It’s me, Jessica.

All I can say is WOW.

I feel so mixed-up right now about everything.

I quit trying to stay one step ahead of You a long, long time ago.
Only because I know that You’ll always win.

You’ve been so good to me. Too good, almost.

And I feel so greedy to be requesting this:
I want a place in Chamber this semester.
Honestly.

But I know that whatever You decide to throw my way,
I’ll take it.
Without question, or anger, or frustration.
Okay, okay, honestly though? A little q-a-f.
But I promise it won’t last long.
And I promise I will put the best of my efforts into
whatever it is that You want me to do.

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It’s set for 6:45 every morning.
I used to be able to sleep until then.
But not anymore.
And I hate it.

“It’s time. You should get up now.”
-No, I don’t want to.
“Quit dreaming and get up.”
-… fine.

That’s the exact conversation I’ve been having for over a week
with myself.

That’s the exact conversation I’ve been having for over a week
that makes me get up before my alarm.

stupid alarm.

And even though my mind wants to be up and running at
6:12, 6:25, 6:33,
And even though I really really want to,
I can’t be angry when I wake up.
I think it’s because I set my alarm so I can wake up to
“Firecracker”
and I guess I subconsciously adore the song so much
that I actually get excited to wake up in the morning.

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Biting my tongue:

All I want to say is “I told you so.”
But I’m not going to.

However, I would be delighted to let you know
that I’m happy with this outcome
because I think it works better this way.
For you.
For everyone.
For the world.

[Even if you aren’t ready to acknowledge it yet.]

But I’ll tell you the whole dang truth
once you finally decide to ask me
what my opinion is.
I’ll tell you exactly what I think
and it’ll be the same story you’ve already heard.
Except, maybe, this time,
you’ll really hear it.

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I wish I were home.

Right now.

But for one reason, and one reason only. I want to bake. And I don’t have all the resources here to do it. Time included. Hah. But all these new cupcake recipes look so dang good, and I’m going to have to test them out sometime! So yeah, I’m going to need a few taste testers and food critics. But here’s a little preview of what you might be forced to consume in the near future. (Mind you, I’m planning Jennifer’s party and I’ll be baking up a storm for that.)

These are all cupcake flavors that sound too good to be left unbaked:
-Espresso
-Mint mocha
-Pumpkin
-S’mores
-Pineapple Upside-down
-Oreo
-Rasperry Vanilla
-White chocolate Raspberry

I’m going to be updating this list as I discover more cupcake-y goodness.

I know, this was a pretty pointless post for you to read, but I needed to keep my list safe somewhere.
But you’ll reap the benefits once I actually get around to baking all of this. Promise.

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Feeling a bit frustrated…

…and I’m searching for comfort in the form of a latte.

I feel like things are getting a bit out of control (especially with my committee), and that certain people in one of my top two favorite organizations don’t really want me to stay. Well, shoot. You can’t make that decision for me and you won’t be able to get rid of me without my consent… even if you try to blow me off, or make decisions regarding my committee without me there, or even by giving me attitude.

And hey you, if you haven’t already realized, all relationships require an equal amount of giving and taking. In other words, I stretched myself thin for you, to help you out with your committee’s project, and I expect that you give me some effort with my committee in return, since you’re supposed to be a member and all. I don’t think it’s fair to the whole committee to try to schedule meetings around your personal schedule when you’ve made it to a grand total of three meetings since last semester — so don’t give me attitude about it because you haven’t earned an ounce of respect from me yet. I’m not taking any of your crap.

And you, I know that you’re not a fan of my decision to rush, and that you’re afraid that the same thing that happened to R. will happen to me. You haven’t said it, but I know you’re thinking it because I know you that well. But you know, it kind of hurts to blatantly ask for my resignation. It was completely out of line and unprofessional. All I asked for was time to hear back from CC about whether I’m in or not. I wanted that respect from you. I’m sure that of all people, you would understand that you don’t just march right up the the organization you want to be a part of and ask if you received a bid. Does it work that way for your fraternity? No? That’s what I thought.

All I’m asking for is a little respect from everyone. Rush is stressful. But that doesn’t mean that I can’t handle it. That doesn’t mean you can make decisions for me. That doesn’t give you a right to be rude. Thanks.

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oh goodness! uber excitement. =D

For a number of reasons:

1) I got to wear my prom dress tonight.
2) The vegetarian lifestyle is going well.
3) I have the room to myself for the weekend.
4) Rush was earlier tonight– theme? Monte Carlo. It rocked.!
5) I am surprisingly good at poker. hah.
6) Got my invite to formal coffee (Monday evening).
7) Made some great awkward conversation. I’m really good at it.
8) Spent time with Josh (date) who was awesome at making me look good tonight. (coffee and catching-up afterwards = really good.)
9) I can fall asleep watching a movie tonight and no one will care.

Vegetarian story? You know you want to hear it, and this is how it goes:
Every friday, one of the cafeterias on campus serves fish (to honor Catholic practices) and I decided I would stop by and pick up a late lunch after class today. Thinking that I probably needed the protein and whatnot that comes with fish, got some (and cherry tomatoes and sugar cookies– yum!) to bring back to my room so I could eat and get ready for Rush. Well, I cut off a small bite of the fish fillet with my fork and brought it to my mouth. No big deal, I told myself. You can eat this just like you eat tuna salad. I raised the fork to my mouth and tried to eat it. Chewed it for a really long time. And then, I couldn’t bring myself to swallow it. I kept thinking about how animals raised for food are treated, and in my mind, I guess I had subconsciously categorized fish as such. Even though I told myself that I wouldn’t take it out of my diet. Basically, I ended up force-feeding it to myself. It was pretty gross. I realize now that it was a psychological thing, because I’m okay with eating tuna salad. This vegetarian business has turned my life around 180-degrees in less than a week. I’m amazed.

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People are stupid.

Someone should kidnap them and eat them as punishment. An eye for an eye — if it worked for Hammurabi, it can work for us.

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