The week hasn’t started and things are already getting weird…

I decided on the way back from Plano that I needed to hit the gym after all the Chinese New Year (read: eating until immobile) festivities this evening. So I called up Mary N. and we agreed to go after some studying/Friends-watching got done.

Everything was going great. The treadmills were new(!) and were just begging me to run on them. The mats were free of smelly people and I could stretch and do crunches as much as I wanted to. The weight machines were for the most part uninhabited and there was none of that ridiculously awkward waiting-for-the-other-person-to-finish-so-I’ll-stand-and-twiddle-my-thumbs business. It was perfect…

I could feel my legs getting less jiggly by the minute, so I stopped my weights workout. Mary N. hopped onto the machine and I stood there, catching my breath. And then!– this creepy He-Woman made eye contact with me across the railing that separates the free weights from the weight machines. And this is the horrifying transcript of the longest thirty seconds of my life:

He-Woman: Tiffany?!
Me: …no, sorry.
He-Woman: Really? Oh that’s too bad, person-who-has-a-face-just-as-cute-as-Tiffany. That’s okay. I’ll just stand here for a minute and look at your cute face and then I’ll leave.
Me: …uhh… (I turned to look at Mary. We shared wide-eyed glances in horror. Then I turned to see if He-Woman was still there. …he/she was.)
He-Woman: (stares at me, bug-eyed. blinks hard a couple of times. continues staring again.)
Me: (turned again to look at Mary. I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry.)
He-Woman: (blinks hard two more times.) Okay, bye! (returns to his/her free weights).

In the five seconds between his/her awkward staring and his/her “okay, bye!”, Mary had already hopped off the machine and was ready to run out of the weight room with me.

Mary: “Jess! He was raping you with his eyes! Oh my gosh!!”

And the moral of this story is:
Don’t go to the gym alone. There will always be creepy people, and the creepiness is more tolerable if you have someone there to feel uncomfortable with.

And to all the He-Womans in the world:
If you are fat, jiggle, and have boobies, along with a slightly higher-pitched voice than your male compatriots, it doesn’t help your appearance at all if you also have pierced ears.


2 Responses so far »

  1. 1

    Mary said,

    This fact proves true – 1/3 of the Waco population is sex offenders.

  2. 2

    Sonia said,


    That makes me laugh. And so does Mary’s comment.
    I miss Plano, and texas and romper and my sister. But I do not miss my parents.
    I miss heat though.

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